Ace of spades

Freetown, Sierra leone. 
A local Titanium miner has been the spectacle of a mass media attention this week after news of his unique deformity has been heralded "a major evolutionary breakthrough" by some Science lads. 


Nathanial Strongbloko - who has worked in the mine since he was three years old - came to the attention of a traveling journalist due to his rather unusual appearance; his fingers and thumbs on both hands have been congealed, whilst the finger nail forms a complete plate three inches think, giving his arms the appearance of shovels. 


Stronbloko, 35, has been diagnosed with Fuzilitus, a rare disease in which skin and bone fuse into one complete mass. He is known locally as 'teleko' (roughly translated as: lucky) due to his ability to win at cards games. He works 700 hours a month, often preferring to eat and sleep in the mine due to his regular uncontrollable outbursts of misanthropy. 


When asked if he found his condition unbearable he simply quipped "No, I just wish I had worked in a diamond mine so my arms would have turned into diamonds!" Whether that means he would of chopped his arms off and cashed them in was left un-clarified.

We dont need no education

U.K. It seems as if Gordon Brown's love of the rock group pink floyd has infected his budgetary decisions this week, as he announced to cut national university spending by 2.5billion pounds.

Not realizing the cynical, double negative wordplay at work in the classic refrain from pink floyds 1980 hit "the wall", Brown has slashed higher education funding, apparently of the opinion, a dumbed down nation is the cure to Great Britain's economic and societal ills.

Concern has grown around Whitehall, as Browns policies begin to further correlate with the ideologies of his deputy brain spanner, Ronald Groundhog. Groundhog, who bullied Brown at junior school, has been a shadowy figure in his life ever since, often sticking notes on his back and calling him names such as "Brownsword" and "Skiddy Gordon"

The Prime minister, who himself received a 2:2 in subversive mismanagement techniques, was educated at Newcastle under Lyme polytechnic, and was previously believed to think that higher education was "the cornerstone of a big square of stones.....somewhere in a field....the field of life"

Namibia revolts

Namibia. Voter riots broke out today, in the Namibian capital Windhoek. Citizens were mortified to find out  local favourite Frankie Fredericks had lost the presidency which he was expected to win in a lanslide.

Fredericks who had employed bizzare tactics such as allowing animals to vote, has topped opinion polls since march but a late propaganda burst by his old nemesis Linford Christie snatched vicory from the jaws of a distraught Frankie.

 Christie, as leader of the right leaning S.P.I.T.E party, shocked many by getting involved as he has no connection to namibian politics and reportedly 'doesnt really understand what a government is'. With a wry smile Christie accepted a disgruntled congratulations from Fredericks, even jokingly pretending to offer him the gold medals he won over the years before snatching them back and laughing at the last minute.

Out-foxed

Hollywood. -20th century fox have this week anounced the termination of chairman Mitchell Ramsacks contratct, citing 'loose cannonness' and 'an unusually curved diaphragm' as the major reasons.

Ramsack, 45, became the chairman in 2006, after Fox's tape worm of an owner, Ruppert Murdoch, lost a bet to a German prostitute. Bizarre from the begining, he insisted on being called 'Lucky Lucky Mitch' and quickly alienated himself from his collegues by refusing to produce anything other than remakes and sequels (which he demanded staff reffer to as sqweeuqwels)

While his decision to remake Big trouble in little china with Macauly Culkin was a definate low point, the final nail in the coffin came after Fox's accountants realised he had spent over 400million dollars on a failed attempt to make weekend at Bernies 3.

Weekend at Bernies fans need not despair however, the project - much like Bernie - has been revived. Dreamworks pictures will be putting out a CGI version of the film next summer.

Car Sick

NORTH AMERICA.- After a disastrous 18 months for the American auto industry, manufacturers have resorted to drastic measures in halting its seemingly unstoppable demise.

Detroit based GMC already have 2 new vehicles in the manufacturing process. 'The Murgatroid' - a ten wheel, 28ft long family station wagon which is made from 'the most obnoxious metal ever forged' and contains 32 cigarette liters, 4 CD players and a chrome sick bucket to compensate for the cars inferior handling. The company has also added to the production line the '32v Carbon Yankee', which is equally brazen in its absurd specifications and complete absence of efficient engineering.

Industry insiders blame the 1990's trend of CEO's seeking employees who can think 'outside the box.'  Bez Simms of Carz n stuff magazine elaborates, 'before long we had a scenario in which nobody was thinking within the box, Hell, there was no box!'

By the time the dust had settled, Ford had designed a car with no wheels or doors, Chrysler one without an engine, and Dodge's multi-billion dollar project to produce the ultimate sports utility vehicle had only managed to produce a boat with wings.

Employers who suggested looking at the Japanese business model of designing relatively inexpensive, durable automobiles with low fuel consumption were branded 'heretics.' Many such logical thinking employees found themselves severely out of favor, and were expected to perform in lewd adaptations of Disney films to appease their masters.

With typically redundant introspection one expert spat 'something had to give'

"Origin of Faeces"

The British Natural Hisotry Museum (BNHM) have today announced, what they claim to be one of the most significant findings in the history of Mankind since the discovery of the "Missing Link", 47 million-year-old primate Fossil– named Ida– in 1983.

Austin Allegro, press officer for the BNHM, was busting a gut to tell Journalists about the discovery, the petrified remnants of Charles Darwin's Faecal matter.

The discovery was made during an expedition to the Galapogas islands earlier this year, where the BNHM were trying, in vain, to patronise a gazelle.

Mr Allegro spoke at length about the naturalists stool, quipping "This is more the theory of Ablution rather than Evolution" then began laughing to him self maniacally for some 20 minutes before adding "you could almost say this is natural defication rather than natural selection" at which point he was escorted from the podium.

It is believed that Darwin, whilst faffing about near the Galapagos islands , ironically, also known in Spanish as Islas de Colón, stopped off to eject his bowels, at which time he discovered the islands rich ecological tapestry and vast number of endemic species, the genesis of naturalism and his seminal work of scientific literature "origin of species" completely annihilating the silly belief of some supernatural creator.

A fog horn for the Church of England, Panelb Eater, spoke to Mind Material after the press conference saying "Shit Happens" before throwing his Dog collar on the ground and spitting in its general direction.

Bennett

Palin comparison

Actor, Comedian and all round "funny bloke off the TV" type personality Michael Palin has shocked his fans by announcing he will change his name by
deed poll.

The change comes after his nemesis Sarah Palin hinted strongly at a run for office in 2012, meaning a continued international presence. Palin who has become ill from exhaustion since his namesakes arrival on the political scene explains his decision :

"Its not easy for me, I'm expected to be funny ever since I did Python. If someone comes up to me and says 'ha ha you've got the same last name as that American tart' I'm expected to have witty retorts such as 'shut up you cunt' or 'watch your fucking mouth' it becomes very tiring."

Friends voicing their concerns privately think that Palin, 89, is complicating matters further by changing his name to John Cleese.

One homeboy stating "well, its a definite frying pan - fire scenario we've got here isn't it"

Put a sock in it

Copenhagen. The world climate council has been further delayed this week after Japanese prime minister Yukio Hatoyama instructed the pilot of his private jet to refuel and fly him back to Tokyo without even setting foot on Danish soil.

Hatoyama who came to power in this years Septmeber elections, ordered the return - which will consume four times the amount of fuel necessary - all because "he forgot his lucky socks." The socks which contain a picture of a smiling bumble bee are said to be "the entire foundation on which the prime ministers self esteem is built"

Disaster was narrowly avoided when Danish officials instructed the inconsolable politician to "try and remember where he had them last.......apart from on his feet." After an emergency memory jolt injection he was able to recall "leaving them next to the fridge" and flew back immediately, burning fuel like a slob burns toast.

Kraft-Work

UK confectioner Cadbury has defended its decision to reject a hostile takeover bid from American food giant Kraft Foods.

The offer, £10bn and a bucket of aggrevated Wasps made in Novemeber was snubbed by the Cadbury Board and described as being "ever so slightly Ridiculous"

An offical press release from Cadbury stated that "A bucket of Wasps, aggrevated or otherwise has no operational or financial merit for the company whatsoever"

Mind Material Business Correspondent, Jasper Bullseye spoke with Kraft foods Marketing Director Granville Jambon this week, during which Mr Jambon commented:

"Wasps can be used as a very poweful tool within the workplace, suggesting that their innate drive to swarm means that they make very able Union representatives or at the very least, productive human resource workers"

Jambon spewed his brains further:

"During World War II, Kraft sent four million pounds of cheese to Britain weekly, so you Brits owe us big time, and quite frankly I hope it gave you all Nightmares.

 Bennett

Bash The Bishop

Dr Stephen Venner, Anglican Bishop to the British Armed forces has been "Slammed" by many a political talking head this week following his pro Taliban comments made in the Daily Telegraph.

The Right Reverend has "dropped a right royal bollock" commented some insignificant hack saying that "Dr Venner's Veneer has become tainted like the tobacco stained fingers of some chain smoking Goliath".

Bishop Venner told the Telegraph that the insurgents could "perhaps be admired for their conviction to their faith and their sense of loyalty to each other".

His mouth continued to make noises, saying:

"There's a large number of things that the Taliban say and stand for which none of us in the West could approve, but simply to say that everything they do is bad is not helping the situation," he told the paper.

Mind Materials Ecclesiastical correspondent, Chester Mindset, has uncovered that Bishop Venner was once a dissadent stick fighting champion in Thailand, before spending a short time in Afghanistan working with the Mujahideen on a Top Secret Mission to Rescue key American Military personnel.

It is rumored that the battling Bishop was "banged up" in a Soviet air base in the early 80's before blasting his way out in a show of unbelievable bravery using brute force following brutal blow torch torture, making good his escape in a hijacked Commie Chopper!

However, this is just speculation as no official records of such a mission exist.

We at Mind Material feel that the Anglican Church, whether it be Bishops, Priests or Deacons, should keep their hypocritical beaks out of maters of this nature and leave the Battle of Hearts and minds to those who arent slaves to a god that doesnt exist.

Only those who are blessed with freethought, skeptical inquiry and a sense of humanism, rationalism, and naturalism need apply.

Surely now, Dr Venner's position of Anglican Bishop to the British Armed forces is now untenable.

Lets stop this Ecumenical dross.

Bennett